Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Into the Unknown - figuring out what I need to change

I'm having a lot of trouble with videos lately. I really love making them but to be real with you, I film something and then instantly hate everything about it: how I talk, how I look, and how while reflecting on the video I feel like I'm talking about something completely pointless.

Uploading a new video brings me so much joy and the comments are so meaningful to my mental health but the filming process has somewhat downgraded for me and it might just mean I'm overthinking the way I create now. I think my channel needs to become more artistic and less like the Youtubers that I watch in my downtime. I love fashion and style but I'm not an expert on anything and need to remember why She Catwalks is my blog name. She Catwalks has always been about being able to catwalk my own personal style with confidence and to help people realize that style is subjective and the latest trends don't have to dictate if you're "fashionable" or not. 

The change over to being primarily YouTube based was an amazing thing for my entrance to the blogging world but with Youtube I got tangled up with tying to film the mainstream kind of videos like tags or favourites (nothing wrong with these because they are my favourite to watch). But they don't always work for me to film because they don't feel genuine to my path in the blogging world. It feels like they create all these branches instead of growing the trunk of my creativity. Once again, overthinking is a common enemy in my life, but when I have to refilm one video 5 times and even then I'm not fully happy, do I put it out? How do I just give up on an idea? That isn't the way I like to do things and I definitely don't want to start doing things that way. 

I need to write and I need to blog again. It's meditative to take pictures then write about them and it's something that I've realized only now that I was missing. Filming videos have become my new love and way of release, but when my editing software doesn't work or my 5 year old kit lens isn't up to my standards I get burdened with stress. I need to be good enough for myself before anyone else lately it seems, and I'm not sure if that's a selfishness shining though or just not wanting to be judged. Everything I create I want to be better than the last and I think that's what causes my long pauses in between Youtube uploads. This isn't my job by any means so it's not like this is effecting my income at all but it is my passion so it effects my heart and happiness.

I miss this blog so much and I think shifting back, not fully but so that I can balance both Youtube and the blog, will just be perfect. I miss being creative with photography and this little bedroom photoshoot really helped me realize that. I am so excited for the future and what She Catwalks will bring.

Thanks for reading,

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